They say that God only gives you as much as you can handle. He believes in you and will give you strength to conquer the obstacles in front of you because he knows you can do it.
This kept playing in my head as I prepared to get ready to say goodbye to my husband for the last time. It was the morning of his funeral and I had been living the last 6 months in a foggy state. Going from taking care of my dying husband, dealing with friends and family who were coming to visit and all while still being a mom to our 5 year old daughter. God only gives you as much as you can handle.
My hands were shaking and my knees were weak. I could see my hand tremble as I go to pick up my white shalwar kameez, a traditional Indian outfit that is worn by women. Muslims wear white to funerals because we believe that death is a good thing. The soul has completed its purpose and is going back home. I know this and I know he is not suffering anymore yet I cannot bring myself to finish getting ready. God only give you as much as you can handle.
I smile as I see my hot pink toes. And all of a sudden I feel a cool breeze on the back of my neck and blood flows through my body and strength and courage come back to me. I can do this, I can handle this. The pink toes have story behind it. They made me smile because even though my husband was sick and fraile and dying he still found a way to make me smile.
When we found out he was terminal, I was sad and would cry a lot. About a week after we got the news he sat me down and said no more tears no more crying. I don’t want my last days to be of watching you sad and crying he said. I want to see you smile everyday, your smile gives me strength and if you don’t smile I can’t go on. So please smile for me everyday.
God only gives you as much as you can handle, comes back to me. So every morning I woke up with a smile. Tried to forget that the end was near and fulfill his wish. He had many bad days. More bad days then good days. He would get angry and upset and want to give up. I would smile and tell him it’s ok. It will be fine. And on the really bad days I would just smile while holding back tears. It was all I could do. I had made a promise and I had to keep it.
So when the end was near. He would try everyday to make our days look as normal as it could. The last 3 weeks of his life we had moved into hospice. We were away from home and he was in pain daily and we were trying to hold on to every minute we had. My husband would make smart ass comments or a funny face to cut the tension and ensure I smiled.
We began planning things. My new future, our daughters future, his parents future. We talked about the funeral. Things he wanted and things he didn’t want. Who he wanted to perform certain rituals and so on.
In all this talking, it dawned on me that I did not have a white shalwar kameez. Actually I didn’t own 1 piece of plain clothing. If you know me well, you know if it doesn’t have sparkle and pizazz it was not for me. So I say I do t have a white outfit, the only one I have is with hot pink on it. He says I dare you to wear it. I said no way. You will be gone no one will say anything to you. Ill have to deal with the back talk or worse your parents will have to deal with it. We laughed and left it at that.
I told the story after he passed away to his cousin. She said you have to send him a message and wear hot pink somewhere. I said no way. She said paint your toes pink. It’s subtle and he will, see and smile. He will know that you fulfilled yet another wish of his.
So here is am the day of his funeral staring at my toes and feeling strength and courage. I can do this. My god that I love and loves me so much has given me this because he knows I can handle it. I need to have faith and go with it.
God gives you as much as you can handle, I keep this with me over the last year and a half. So here I am at the end of 2016. Writing this my very first entry into my blog. 2016 was my first full year on my own. I stumbled, I made mistakes, I learned knew things and best of all I found me. The new me. The me with a little bit of the old me and with a little bit of the new me the women who sees life differently. My fairytale did not have a happy ending but my tratetgy taught me that life is short and that we should not take life for granted. I found peace and happiness in knowing life is not eternal. We take life for granted. It’s not until we have to look at death in the eyes, that you realize that you are not immortal. Be the best you can be, make the most of your days. Say I love you to your loved ones everyday Make memories because tomorrow may never come.
Happy New Year everyone. Here’s to 2017.